5 Tips for Effectively Communicating with Your Teen
Talking with and pulling information from a teenager is difficult enough in typical times, never mind during a pandemic. Families are spending more time together now than ever before, which is both a blessing and a challenge. Here are some tips for connecting with your teenager:
1. Use “AND” instead of “BUT” to communicate that you are listening.
Consider these two sentences:
“I know you are having a hard time right now, but you just have to keep moving forward”
“I know you are having a hard time right now and I am here for you whenever you need me.”
How do those two sentences land for you? My guess is that the first sentence will make your teen roll their eyes and tell you “yeah, yeah…” The second sentence, however, might given them pause. They are more likely to hear an offer of support from someone who cares. Words may be small AND they are very powerful.
Using the word BUT after acknowledging something someone has said invalidates the words that came before. Similarly, if you are giving someone a compliment in the first half of a sentence, then insert a “but” it effectively cancels the positive beginning.
When it comes to emotions and feelings, we want to feel heard and we want our feelings to be validated, understood, and acknowledged. The quickest and most effective way to do that is by inserting “and” into your sentences. Using “and” instead of “but” is also an effective way to keep the conversation open and flowing. If someone hears a “but” and feels invalidated, they may shut down or tune out. Same goes for our teenagers. The goal is to get them to talk more and avoid inadvertently shutting them down.
2. Open-ended questions get you more information.
Most of us fall into the trap of asking too many questions, but a well-formulated question can make it more likely to get answers from your teen. Subtle differences in how you ask a question is important.
Closed questions will get you a closed answer (with zero information). Example:
Parent: “How was your day today?”
Teenager: “Fine.”
Open-ended questions, on the other hand, are underrated. Telling others explicitly what you want to know has its benefits. By requesting information openly, you are inviting your teen to fill in the blanks for you.
Example: “Tell me about your day. I would love to hear how things went with your friends today.”
Additional open-ended question starters:
“I wonder what would happen if...”
“What would happen if…”
“How do you feel about…”
“What would you do differently?”
“What choice would you make if...”
3. Invite your teen to give you feedback
Despite your best intentions, teens may not receive the message that you meant. By asking your teen for feedback, you pave the way for clarification. This is a beautiful way to confirm or clarify that your teen received your intended message and avoid misunderstandings. Teens feel empowered when you show that your value their perceptions. You are also modeling to your teen about the importance of perspective-taking. For example:
“Ok, I know what I meant to say to you, what did you actually hear?”
Or
“What is your take-away from what I just said?”
4. Walk the balance between hovering and ignoring.
Hovering (overcontrol) and ignoring (undercontrol) are polar opposites of a wide continuum for approaching teens. Hovering can communicate a lack of trust in your teen’s abilities and judgment. Conversely, ignoring conveys a lack of interest. Actions (or lack of) convey powerful messages. Your teen will feel empowered when you ask about their needs directly. For example:
“Is it helpful or unhelpful for me to check in with you multiple times a day about your school assignments?”
Or
“What can I do to help keep you on track or remind you about things?”
Of course, some teens don’t know what they need until they stumble a bit. This is okay! By continuing to check in about what they find helpful in your support prompts them to monitor and identify their own needs. The goal is for them to eventually be self-sufficient.
5. Positive affirmations go a long way.
We are conditioned to notice the negatives more than the positives around us. We are more likely to have big reactions to negative events than we are to have big reactions to positive happenings. Notice aloud when your teen is doing well and when you like what they are doing. Some examples may be:
“I believe in you.”
“I know you are trying your best and I am proud of you.”
“I respect your opinion.”
“It is okay to make mistakes and I will always be here to help you.”
“You are capable of doing this.”
You can use all of these techniques with your partner, parents, friends, and work colleagues. Happy Communicating!
If you feel that you need more specialized intervention for your child’s academic intervention, you can learn more about our services here or set up a free phone consultation.
