Tantrums 101 for Parents
What is a tantrum?
“Oh no, here we go again … “
You brace yourself as you witness your child unravel into another tantrum. Whether we call it a tantrum, meltdown, or anger outburst, the behavior features are the same. The terms can be used interchangeably, but in this article I call the episodes tantrums. Tantrums involve a blend of both anger and sadness or distress. There is usually screaming, yelling, and crying. Some children act out aggressively towards others or themselves. Young children (ages 2 to 4) are the most likely to have tantrums, in part because of their immature prefrontal cortex. Young children lack strategies to be reasonable and manage stressful situations.
When should I be concerned about my child’s tantrums?
Tantrums happen for most young children, whether typically developing or at risk for emotion or behavior problems. It’s common for children ages 3 to 4 years to have daily tantrums. “Normative” tantrums are brought on by circumstances that you might expect to be frustrating to your child. Fatigue and hunger typically make tantrums more likely. Most tantrums resolve within 5 minutes, although a minority of tantrums can go on for 20 to 40 minutes. Longer tantrums are unusual.
Warning signs that your child’s tantrums could be cause for concern include:
Frequent or prolonged tantrums that persist beyond age 5
Tantrums at any age that are persistently unpredictable, disruptive, and destructive
Tantrums that involve self-harm (biting, hitting oneself or the wall, head banging)
Tantrums that involve both self-harm and aggression towards others* (this combination might be an especially robust flag for later problems)
*Aggression towards others is defined as throwing objects, spitting, hitting, kicking, or biting.
If my child is showing any of these signs, what kinds of issues should I be concerned about?
Tantrums that are characterized by any of the warning signs seem to be more common among children who later go on to have problems with depression, anxiety, or acting-out behavior. Also, there are higher rates of disruptive tantrums among children with autism or ADHD. Of course, tantrums in and of themselves are not diagnostic of anything. If your child’s tantrums seem to fit any of the warning signs, don’t jump to conclusions. Instead, consider raising the issue with your child’s pediatrician to see if it makes sense to pursue further evaluation.
What should I do when my child has a tantrum?
Most parents feel conflicted about how to respond to a tantrum. Should you ignore it? Talk your child through the episode? Hold your child? Validate your child’s emotions? Parenting books seem to offer varied opinions. No matter your approach, tantrums are exhausting for everyone. Thankfully, child development research has yielded findings that we can apply to survival tips.
6 Tips for Weathering Tantrums
1) Know what to expect
Tantrums typically involve a blend of anger and sadness, with more anger at the tantrum outset and more overt sadness as the anger subsides. Laboratory studies of tantrums have shown that sadness typically runs through the full course of the tantrum, with bursts of anger superimposed on the sadness.
You might expect three phases to your child’s tantrum:
Phase 1: Verbal expressions of anger - most tantrums start with sharp bursts of screaming and yelling. Kicking in this initial phase is common.
Phase 2: Additional physical manifestations of anger, such as throwing, pushing, or pulling objects.
Phase 3: Obvious signs of sadness - as the anger subsides, the child might crumple to the floor, cry, whine, and seek comfort.
Of course, not all children or tantrums follow this pattern. For example, there are some children who might instead intensify their anger over the tantrum. This pattern typically signals an effort by the child to get what they want. It’s important not to reinforce children for using anger or aggression to get their way.
2) Refrain from engaging in your child’s anger
Wait out the angry behavior, if possible. Without a parent response, the anger tends to peak and drop relatively quickly. When parents intervene by talking, reasoning, or scolding, the anger phase is likely to be prolonged. Asking questions of a child in a tantrum is a big no-no. When your child is screaming at you, it’s best to say nothing. Total silence. Even if your child’s emotions seem out of control but you manage to stay calm, consider this a win. If safety issues are at play, seek the advice of a professional for how to best respond to the tantrums.
3) Once the anger has subsided, respond to your child’s bids for comfort
When your child is ready, it’s okay to cuddle your child and talk in soothing tones.
4) Emotion coaching, sometimes
Once your child has calmed, it can be helpful to guide your child to reflect on the emotions. This is not the time to problem-solve, but rather to connect with your child, build your child’s emotion vocabulary, and help your child to understand their internal experiences. In order to do this well, a parent needs to feel calm and centered. It’s okay if you need time to regroup and don’t feel up to this step.
5) If needed, follow through with limit setting and discipline
If your child was aggressive or destructive, it’s important to follow through with limit setting that is developmentally appropriate. When it comes to problem-solving or consequences, it can be best to “strike while the iron is cold.” In other words, address the issues when your child is calm. This could be several hours after the tantrum episode or even the next day. It’s generally best to avoid harsh punishments. Depending on the age of the child and the situation, you might ask your child to correct or repair damage caused by an aggressive episode.
6) Don’t forget self-care
Most parents feel shaken after their child’s tantrums, especially if the tantrum was prolonged or aggressive. If you wish you had handled things differently, be kind to yourself. It’s normal for parents to struggle in the face of their child’s tantrums. If you can, take a break, soothe yourself, and reach out to a trusted support person.
If you are worried about your child’s tantrums, talk to your child’s pediatrician for guidance and resources.
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